life has been grey

I'm not sure why, but life has been very grey for me lately. I think that it has something to do with change. Everything will be changing soon. I'm not exactly sure what will happen, but my best guess is that I will be moving away, starting a new job and starting a new life. Beyond this though, I think, in general, I don't like the idea of working. I never have. I don't want to spend my life working in the sense that I don't want to waste time doing something that isn't really going to impact people's lives. It's hard to express exactly, but I've abhored the 9 to 5 and disdained the idea of having a position, a title. It's all too limiting. I understand why it must exist, but for me it doesn't fit. It strangles.

My whole life has been this adventure that God has placed before me. Going as the wind would take me, from here to there to the next place. I didn't care about anything else. I was caught up in what I could do and what I could be. I was in love with the world, trying to understand it, trying to grow, trying to make a difference. Perhaps now, I am burned out. Perhaps I am just older and things happen and you stop having the freedom to ride the wind. I want the freedom back. How dare they make me a prisoner...I am a spirit to not be tamed.

Maybe I can find my freedom... maybe I can find the wind...

poetry with an old friend

Today I'm visiting an old friend from highschool. We used to run free during physics class to sit in the flowers and write poetry. To bitch about the world and how we were going to fix it, when we were niave enough to think that it could happen. She brings that old warmth to me. Inspires me to do the things we once did... write poetry, good, bad and indifferent about everything we saw and felt. Paint and run naked or paint naked or paint running or all of the above. That was a very happy time. I'm here with her. She's taking a shower and I curled up on her bed to write poetry as I always used to ... my first poem in many years. Take it for what it is --

I don't know when I'll see you again
during the soft brush of lips
meeting for the first time.
The thought lingered spoiling some hidden corner of my mind
but my heart never listened

I don't know when I'll see you again
the tear streamed face holding me hostage in the airport lobby
and freezing my hand to the handle of the jeep
engine running, shaking with the anticipation of the rough mountain road ahead

I don't know when I'll see you again
falling out of my mouth at 3 am
after the circling logic of how to bring North and South together
left nothing but this single thought in an awkward silence
my eyes too heavy to stay awake,
my heart too heavy to let them close.

I don't know when I'll see you again

Frustration -- more of coglife

SO, I'm sitting at my desk. The clock on the wall is slowly ticking away the minutes - ten after five, I should be going. But, I can't and thus the source of my frustration. What began as a simple access database has turned into developing a BC4J application --> I am NOT a programmer. I know the basics of scripting, tagging and relational databases. But this is over the top. I've spent the last 2 hours staring at 5 lines of code wondering why in one case they query the database through a view object and the other with an SQL statement. I suppose it doesn't matter much at this point since I can't get either to work.

I can't stop daydreaming about places I should be going or other things I should be doing or even just getting in my car and driving home with the windows down listening to "Autumn in New York."

Last night I went out and bought a "struts for java developers" book from the supergeek section of Barnes and Nobles and then spent most of the night reading it, encouraging me that today I would understand this much better than yesterday... which to some extent is true. Unfortunately, I spent the day fixing something that broke for an unapparent reason putting me yet another day behind... and so I wonder as I look at the clock... "If I stay late and finish this tonight, will it work in the morning... or better yet, if I work on it this week, will it be finished by next?"

Why can't the next chapter in life come already? Do I have to live in Cogville?